Time for an honest post

Well, I saw my psychiatrist the other day for the first time in 9 months. She’s undergoing cancer treatment herself so our appointments have been spotty in nature. Anyhow, the upshot of the conversation we had was that my mania isn’t as controlled as it should be, my depression isn’t as controlled as it should be. So, she’s bumping up the mood stabilizers and we’ll revisit how I’m doing in 2 months time and rework the medications if necessary.

I don’t want to write negative, down posts on here. It is my shining beacon of hope to read back on the really good days I’ve had. But it’s not realistic, in a bipolar world, to have it all sunshine and rainbows all the time. So, I felt it fair to write an honest post. Not a down in the dumps one, woe is me. Just honest, forthright, here’s whats happening in my life.

I’d equate the last 4 to 6 months of mood being like a sharp spiky upwards and downwards of the equilibrium of a good mood, where you’re neutral in temperament. Sort of like an earthquake graph with sharp spikes of mania manifested as anger, frustration, anxiety, lack of self control. The downward sharp spikes are manifested as crying over the past, feelings of hopelessness, nothing matters, no one cares, it really is just all useless what you are doing.

What the mood stabilizers do, when taken in the proper dosage is, they smooth all of those spikes into gentle ocean swells of moods. Mildly elevated happiness. Mildly elevated sadness. But a deep even steadiness of calm overall.

That’s what I’ve enjoyed feeling the last couple of days with the increase in my medications. That wonderful feeling of calmness of mood. The ability to reach out to say sorry to people I’ve perhaps annoyed, or ignored in the last few months. Feels nice.

Some examples of the music I’ve been listening to regularly over the last 2 to 4 months quite regularly are below

Kinda gives you a sense of what mood I must be in to listen to this music, doesn’t it? I dunno if I’ll keep listening given my calmer state but we’ll see. At the moment, my classical music, and easy listening aka Sarah McLachlan and ilk aren’t getting much play time on ITunes.

But one song that I know for sure I’m going to continue listening to is this one

Just speaks to me that no matter what’s happening in my almost 60 years on this planet I’m the stronger for it. I’ll never be beaten down by any of it. I’ll be the winner in the end. Over Asperger’s, over bipolar, over any obstacle yet to come. Because I’m strong.

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